Ok, this is me: I had a very important meeting today, to which I was on the way, in the car, looking miraculously (for me) pressed and neat, un-frizzy and un-coffee stained.
I have, at that time, one piece of peppermint gum left in my (fabulous leopard-print pony hair) handbag, in one of those foil packs that you press to release each piece. So I put it in my mouth, and put the empty foil pack in the cup holder next to my seat, and then I watch as a little fleck of white falls down with it. I'd just given my pretty car her first-ever wash, and I'm thinking how I don't want that white thing to sully it. So, assuming it's an errant piece of white peppermint gum coating, I put it in my mouth with the gum. Immediately there's this cyanide taste it's awful, and I spit the gym out the window (right on Wilshire at Rodeo Drive), and my whole face is turning red and I'm spitting, spitting, spitting out the window like a trucker (a trucker in a pencil skirt). Now my entire mouth is going numb (literally, I'm not lying to you, n-u-m-b) and now I'm guessing this was a mothball fleck, not a gum fleck, and I can't feel my face and I'm spitting and spitting out the window, wondering if you can die from ingesting an amount of [mystery toxin] that tiny. Fortunately, I have two sips of water left in my water bottle from the gym and I'm rinsing like a maniac and spitting out the window. I look at the clock and say to myself, "Dubin. It's 1:26. When you see 1:35 on that clock, you will be able to feel your face again, you're not going to die, you're going to live, just hang in there." Well, it takes more like a half an hour to regain all the sensation in my face, but memories like that you can't rinse away by spitting out the window.
I still taste (in my mind's eye) that vile mothball bit, even after having eaten eight mini veggie corn dogs since. Basically, the moral is, don't put mysterious things into your mouth, duh, even if you have a pretty good idea they're gum related.
But you know it was white, so I just thought...well, you get the gist.
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4 comments:
In India, I put insect repellent paste, the kind that comes in a little tube that looks like a sample-size of Colgate, on my toothbrush and stuck it in my mouth.
I guarantee you that the experience was more extreme than the mothball fleck. 'Nuff said.
but the real question is, WHO USES MOTHBALLS?????
I hate mothballs.
jamie romas uses mothballs.
people who own a lot of cashmere use mothballs.
i use cedar but that's because 1)i don't own that much cashmere and 2) i had a really bad experience with mothballs + jamie romas.
fortunately i've worked through the trauma with various forms of therapy but i can no longer eat sour lemonheads nor use mothballs. thanks a lot jamie romas.
Mothballs?
You need to get with the lavendar sachets.
They work, I swear.
DO NOT buy those lavendar sachets. TRUST.
you know why? cause some queen will come over to your house and see the sachets and fag out and totally START sashaying with them (a la sashay/shante) and then it will explode and you will have lavendar balls all over your floor.
and they are really hard to get out and the queen (MARCO) who sashayed the explosion will not help.
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